


Dissociation

by Starofwinter



Category: Star Wars Legends: Republic Commando Series - Karen Traviss
Genre: Depersonalization, Dissociation, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 22:30:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11587488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starofwinter/pseuds/Starofwinter
Summary: Sev just wants to be a good soldier.





	Dissociation

It started out because he wanted to be a good soldier, Sev thought.  He’d done it when he was a cadet, barely big enough to hold a blaster.  Vau had started their training early, making sure they learned quickly the consequences of not keeping up.  Sev started to shut down, to close himself off, to bury himself so deeply that nothing could touch him, even when he dragged himself back to his bunk bloody and bruised.  Vau told him never to cry when he took his punishments, so he taught himself not to feel anything at all.  It was like watching from far away, through a scope.  He knew what was happening, but he didn’t feel it.

It helped in training too.  Sev wasn’t supposed to be afraid, so he wasn’t.  He could just shut down and not have to deal with the stress, or the knowledge that he could die in an exercise without ever seeing a battlefield.  He learned to be a good soldier by being nothing at all.  He was just a soldier, a weapon for the Republic.  

It didn’t always help when Sev was dealing with other beings, but Delta understood.  They were careful not to startle him; they called his name before they reached out to touch him, they waited when it took him a while to pull himself back…  They were more patient than he deserved.  Sometimes Boss would walk over and sit with him, keeping his voice calm and steady as he walked Sev back from that haziness, or Scorch would press against him, shoulder to shoulder, his body firm and steady against Sev’s own - when he talked, it was a little different, he held a conversation with himself until Sev laughed or answered.  Fixer never talked, he so rarely did as it was, but his presence was warm and grounding, anchoring him to the present.  It was usually enough to bring him back.  He hated the feeling of being coddled, hated that he could see when Boss caught himself if his voice got too loud, or that Scorch wouldn’t gesture quite as broadly when Sev was nearby, but at the same time-  It was a heady feeling, knowing that they cared enough to try to make him feel safer, and keep him with them.

Sev needed the safety of losing himself more than he should; anytime Vau’s voice took on that cold tone, he slipped away, disappearing into the endless fog inside his own head.  He’d gone through whole missions like that - going through the motions, relying on experience and instinct, but  _ Sev _ , whatever there was of him that made up a man, was gone.  Just another weapon in the Republic’s arsenal.  He could push himself miles further, carry heavier weights on his shoulders, and made a more efficient killer when he was like that, but the cost only came due later, when he finally pulled back to himself and felt every moment of it in his body and his bones, large gaps in his memory where actions ought to be.  

Sev is a good soldier, or his body is.  Sometimes he’s not sure they’re the same man anymore.


End file.
